Responsibility is something you take for yourself, not something that is assigned to you
As a leader, you are either above (conscious) or below (unconscious) the line.
- Above – open and curious. You are committed to learning.
- Below – closed and defensive. You are committed to being right. We go here when we feel threatened, and we recommit to being right. Being right means everything to our ego. The unconscious is a bit like being aware of the situation around you, and not responding to it. You are very reactive.
Don’t pin your success on outside factors so-called “to me”. To me see that the world has to change in order to suit them. Instead use the philosophy of “by me” – which is to consciously create with, or, to put it another way, you are the cause of what you experience. By me know that the world is perfect. Choose responsibility to move from to me to by me. Through me, leaders are zen-like monks! Who listen intently and empower others. What the author is saying is that through me leaders challenge the most basic of assumptions that we hold. To get through me, you need to completely let go of your ego and what you know. The as me is the final style – you should be at one with your people, you don’t think about yourself as a separate entity
Pay attention to how the conversation is going not just what the conversation is about.
The authors state that the commitments should be a daily practice and lifelong at that.
Click on the image to down the one-pager I created:
Commitment 1 – Taking radical responsibility
Do not place blame – this simply moves responsibility away from yourself.
Most people believe that there is a way that the world should be and shouldn’t be. When we hold this view, and things don’t go the way we think they should, we blame them. Blaming others is bad leadership and blaming yourself is toxic!
Don’t try to change the world. Just learn from whatever the world throws your way. Change your mindset from wanting to be right to one of curiosity and learning. NEVER FEEL THE NEED TO BE RIGHT AGAIN.
You must encourage others to be responsible – this week go hand in hand when you stop blaming others. The next time you face a problem ask yourself “What can I learn from this.”
https://conscious.is/resources/handouts
Don’t ask ‘Who did it?’ ask ‘What can I learn from this situation ?’
Commitment 2 – Learning through curiosity
The four most important competencies are self-awareness, learning agility, communication and influence.
Defensiveness can bring the collaborative energy of a group down.
Drifting is when you are no longer focused on the task and may involve: procrastination, explaining, or interrupting. You can Shift out of the drift! To shift you can do conscious breathing, 4 in and 4 out (I like box breathing). Radically change your posture (power pose) and now shift your perspective on the problem.
Wonder – the aim here is to create and live in a set of wonder questions “I wonder what I can learn today that will benefit everyone?”.
Be dedicated to style awareness – 1. What do I know? 2. What I know I don’t know. 3. What I don’t know that I don’t know. Aim to get feedback to make this effective. See feedback from people as a gift.
Commitment 3 – Feeling all the feelings
When making a decision, rely on the head, heart and gut – IQ and EQ.
Don’t apologize for how you feel.
All emotions come from the primary ones which are: anger, fear, sadness, joy and sexual feeling.
When about to make a decision ask yourself and those around you, how are you feeling at that moment? When you have a feeling, identify which part of the body it is originating from. Acknowledge it, and let it go. Do not repress it, as it can affect other emotions. And if you think about them for too long, they get stuck in a cognitive loop.
To release an emotion, follow these steps to let go of the emotion in around 90 seconds OR if you don’t, they could linger for years:
- Locate the sensation in your body; describe it precisely.
- Breathe, box breathing for example.
- Allow or accept the sensation.
- Match your experience with your expression, e.g. If this sensation were a sound/ movement what would it be? Then match it.
Emotions can teach us:
- Anger is something that is not aligned and must be changed so that something more beneficial can replace it. Leaders need this as without it you cannot say no and cut and destroy,( sometimes those are necessary e.g. the old ways of doing things.
- Fear tells us to wake up urgently – without this, you live in denial OR it might say that something new needs to be learned
- Sadness tells you to let go of something, without it you find it hard to let go.
- Joy tells you that something needs to be celebrated – without this, you can’t appreciate yourself or others.
- Sexual feeling is one of creativity and creation – innovation. This is not sexual lust. Without it, leaders demand creativity and innovation whilst limiting it.
Commitment 4 – Speaking Candidly
It’s about telling the truth and not lying about facts, feelings emotions and sensations in the body. Candor is the cure for boredom – at work, and at home
Reveal or conceal: Withhold – withdraw – project Vs Reveal – connect – own.
When you withdraw etc. you will become cognitively biased towards confirming your poor opinion of another.
Don’t withhold back your judgements, as these fall into you projecting them. Instead, reveal them. Remember that judgements tell people and us, about ourselves NOT about the world – this will increase connection because you reveal the real you, you own it. By owning it you can then ask critical questions about what happened eg. Why did I find that situation disrespectful? Is that my opinion? How can I see this differently? Withholding makes you lethargic and decreases your connection with the team
Nope you should have a shared understanding of what candour is, and that both people or the group use it before using it
Always be truthful. Be open about what you have been doing.
Protections can result in you becoming what you hate.
When communicating your truth regarding your opinion, do so from an un-arguable standpoint. E.g. I was thinking we could do… Rather than we should do this.
Conscious listening empowers those around you to use candour with you. When someone comes to you with a problem DO NOT use a filter like diagnosing it, or de-escalating it. Listen to what they are saying and feeling, what is their body language. Think about what they really need, their core beliefs. 3 parts.
Commitment 5 – Eliminate gossip
Is there anything negative or anything that you would not say with them in the room? “When we gossip, we validate the righteousness of our thinking.” When you gossip, you are in the victim, villain hero loop. The authors define gossip as having negative intent. Would you be willing to speak that way to a person? If not, then it’s gossip.
Listening to gossip is just as bad. When you gossip you validate yourself! Gossip influences how others feel.
They say that you need to separate facts from stories (fiction). The facts are clear and observable. Stories are made up, based on opinions and stories. Remember that is perfectly ok to have a story, but it’s just that…a story.
If someone comes to you with an issue, then let them tell you (clearing). You can respond with a paraphrase – ” What I hear you say.” You can talk about their actual words, body language and emotions. Confirm what you heard is right, and if there is more.
Remember that people may gossip because they fear going to that person. They advocate going to the person you gossiped about and telling them to cheer the air so to speak.
Commitment 6 – Practicing integrity
This includes: acknowledging all feelings; expressing unarguable truth; keeping all agreements; and taking 100% responsibility (4 pillars). You have to have integrity before asking others to. It’s about being whole.
The authors see integrity as the flow of energy eg. Alive, creative, clear, visionary, innovative, and focused. When this flow is interrupted, so is the person. Moreover, this interruption leads to a disengaged workforce. You have to let them have energy flow through them as well. The metaphor of Christmas tree lights is used, when one light is out so are the other lights.
They talk about matching what you feel on the inside to what you think on the outside – congruence. And then they discuss that you need to be aligned with your purpose.
Agreements are big and small, made been 2 or more people, and even with yourself. Never break them. Note that agreements should be 1. Clear. 2. Kept 3. Can be renegotiated – alert the team ASAP 4. Cleaned up if broken – be open and candid, but you don’t need to explain everything.
Commitment 7 – Generating appreciation
Opposite is entitlement. To appreciate, pay attention to the little things. Notec that people feel appreciated they grow.
You should fully accept it as appreciation – see it as a gift.
When giving appreciation make sure that it’s sincere, unarguable truth, so specific and succinct.
Commitment 8 – Excelling in your zone of genius
In other words, don’t hold back, and encourage others to grow. The Opposite is sandboxing people.
Incompetence – things you don’t enjoy and don’t do well. Things that leave you feeling frustrated and someone who could have done better. You need to stop doing it or delegate it
Competence – you are okay at these tasks, but others can do it better. This area lacks fulfilment. It leaves you drained.
Excellence – you can get stuck here. You are good and get praise, but it’s too comfortable. Passion dies here.
Upper limits/ genius – fear can prevent you from coming here. Perhaps imposter syndrome lives here. Things that hold you back from going here include: feeling that you abandon others, you are worried about the increased burden, outshine others. There is a constant state of flow here. Note, when you are here and it seems easy to you, it may be challenging for others.
Commitment 9 – Play and rest
They talk about not resisting challenges, but embracing them with yes and.
When you take time to play, and rest you allow your brain to slow down and reprioritize. You become more productive.
Honour one day of rest per week – you need it.
Commitment 10 – Exploring the opposite
You have to see the opposite story as having more credibility than your side of the story.
You need to challenge your desire to be right all of the time. You need to increase your curiosity.
When you are suffering from a thought, ask yourself three 4 questions, to help alleviate it:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true
3. How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought
4. Who would you be without that thought
Also, try turning the thought around. E.g. I’m irresponsible for taking that job in China to TO I’m responsible for taking that job in China. Then ask yourself if is that true? This process helps you to let go of your so-called truth and experience a new one. Check thework.com for more resources.
Commitment 11 – Sourcing approval, control and security from yourself
Not from people, the outside environment. There are 3 basic human wants.
- Security is essentially survival and is the most basic need, i.e. financial security.
- Approval is the need for love and value.
- Control is about making sure things go your way
When you want something, are your 3 core wants driving it? The problem is not the wants it is the wanting.
When you don’t have something e.g. Control of your life, then you seek to control others. Most leaders live in fear that they don’t have approval control and security. The authors recommend a six-step process to go through that will help you deliver yourself from pain (adapted from the Sedona method):
- You can start this at any moment when you are finding yourself facing fear.
- Ask yourself could I welcome this one thing because I simply a lie this wanting to be here just as it is?
- Ask yourself if I dig a little deeper is this desire coming from wanting approval control or security?
- Ask yourself could I welcome this one thing but I am just allowed to be here?
- Ask yourself could I let this one thing go just for now just in this moment as best I could?
- Ask yourself could I rest for this moment as someone who is beyond all wanting?
Commitment 12 – Have enough of everything
Not thinking that you don’t have enough money, time, space etc.
Three myths: 1. You never have enough (generates fear as you don’t want to be the one left behind); 2. More is better (prevents you from arriving); 3. It is what it is (hopeless). Collectively known as scarcity. It’s better to see the world from the perspective of there that there are sufficient resources
Ask yourself – who are you comparing yourself to?
To conquer this, just see each myth from its antithesis. Remember back to a time when you had less money. How did that feel? Moreover, practice meditation every day.
Commitment 13 – See everyone as an ally
Allies can assist you, do not see people as an obstacle to hold you back.
Most leaders see people as with them out against them (to me). They constantly compare themselves against them. Conscious leaders see everyone as an ally. They believe in your personal growth. If someone resists, become curious about why.
See pressure as a good thing, as it pushes you to go further.
The next time you consider yourself being attacked by someone who critiqued you, see them as an ally and their jagged words as a way to improve. Ask yourself: what quality could not have been developed without their feedback; in x years how will I reflect on this and say how it helped me learn or what would I be grateful for
Commitment 14 – Creating a win-win for all parties (you, your people, the organization)
Never see it as a win-lose situation. This commitment is about collaboration.
Do not compete (one winner and one loser) or compromise (both lose).
Curiosity lies at the heart of this commitment – be curious about the potential outcomes of the project.
Questions you can ask – what can you create together? Q what do you need to let go of? Q what is the new vision? Q. Who else can join? Q how can we collaborate?
Commitment 15: Be the resolution or solution that is needed
Do not be apathetic or blame others. This commitment seems to be about stopping complaining and blaming.
Start by seeing what is missing. Ask yourself this question in regard to your home life and your work life.
Trash analogy. You see a piece of trash and you either resent someone for dropping it or just ignore it showing the opposite both of these are an issue. Rather, look at it from the point of view of what would make this area look amazing then choose from any range of options- note that you will need a whole body yes.
The book finished with a succinct formula to change, summarized in this awesome graphic:
